


Deja Vu Near Uijeongbu

by Tuttle4077



Category: Hogan's Heroes (TV 1965), MASH (TV)
Genre: Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:14:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28848132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tuttle4077/pseuds/Tuttle4077
Summary: Hogan has a bad day in the ROK. Originally posted in 2007 on FFN.Knowledge of both series required.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	Deja Vu Near Uijeongbu

It was incredibly convenient the way this country conformed to military protocols. From the trees to the grass, everything was khaki. It was practically crying out for a war. Well, it had gotten its wish, he supposed. In fact, at this very moment, 16 different countries from the UN had invaded to help stem the tide of Communism from the North.

General Robert Hogan grimaced as he sat back against the hard seat of his jeep. He didn't get this whole thing. Maybe he was just getting soft in his old age, but there didn't seem to be much of a point in this whole conflict. To him, the spread of Communism in Asia didn't seem as threatening as Hitler taking over Europe and America. But really, he shouldn't have chosen to make the army his career if he was going to question every war that came along.

Letting out a yawn, he tried to get comfortable in his seat which was decidedly foolish. There was a regulation somewhere that stated all military jeeps were to be ridiculously uncomfortable. "How long Kinch?" he asked, glancing at his watch and then the sky.

Kinch shrugged. "'Bout another ten minutes I guess. Not much of an exciting trip, is it?"

"Should've flown out here," Hogan grouched as they hit another pothole and a bomb exploded in the distance.

Kinch sucked in a breath and tried to hide his face. "Only way would be a helicopter. And, no offence sir, but you're a lot better with B-25's than those."

"It was one helicopter! One! You'd think they'd forgive a General for crashing one measly little helicopter!" Hogan cried indignantly.

"What about that other one?" Kinch asked, raising an eyebrow.

Hogan crossed his arms and pouted. "All right, so it was two. The first one didn't count though, it was my first time up." Kinch just shrugged, wisely deciding to bite his tongue.

"I think that's it up there," Kinch said a few minutes later, pointing down the road. He stopped the jeep on a little rise overlooking the camp.

Hogan stood up in the army-issue jeep and gazed down. "That's it? And I thought Stalag 13 was a dump. If these guys weren't our own, we'd be violating some major rules of the Geneva Convention."

"Maybe you could make a complaint. You still carry around that little pocket book of the rules of war?"

Hogan waved his hand in the air, grinning broadly. "Nah. I gave it to Klink for old times sakes. Something to remember me by."

Kinch snorted. Ah Klink. Kinch suspected Hogan missed the German Kommandant more than he let on. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah. And see if you can do it without hitting _every_ pothole in the road," Hogan said with a little laugh, though he was quite serious. After more than an hour on the road, his rear end was beginning to hurt!

Kinch laughed and started the jeep up. They were just approaching the camp when a rather hairy woman carrying a gun and wearing the most gaudy dress on the face of the planet stepped into the middle of the road, holding a hand up for them to stop. "What is that?" Hogan muttered to Kinch.

"Looks like a hairy woman with a gun," Kinch muttered back.

"You know, we really ought to promote you Kinch."

"HALT! Who goes there?" the woman, who had an unusually deep voice and a horrifyingly large nose, hollered as she came up to the side of the jeep.

Hogan raised an eyebrow, appraising the apparition before him. "Well," he said finally, "Newkirk will be glad that he wasn't alone."

"What was that sir?" the sentry asked, a little confused.

"Nothing. Tell me, are you a guy trying to get out, or a girl trying to get in?"

The sentry puffed out his chest. "Nothing like that at all sir. I'm just crazy, that's all! Crazy with a capital K." The sentry grinned and moved a little closer to Hogan. Hogan fanned away the smell of garlic that radiated off the man. "All I need is some intelligent officer, who can tell I've obviously lost a few marbles, to sign my Section Eight."

Hogan rolled his eyes. "Well Corporal…"

"Klinger sir," the guard said with a little salute.

"Well, Corporal Klinger with a capital K, I can't sign your Section Eight, but maybe I can transfer you to the air force-"

"With that nose?" Kinch interrupted. "It'd take up the entire cockpit!"

"Hmm, you're right," Hogan grinned, looking at the corporal's nose and moving slightly away to keep it from poking his eye out. "But hey, with those legs, maybe he could get into the USO."

"Stop joking around sirs. I'm crazy! I should be sent home! Why, just last week I found out I was pregnant! And I just got a run in my new nylons! If that doesn't count for a hardship leave, I don't know what does!"

Hogan checked to see if he was wearing a monocle. Obviously this guy thought he was as gullible as Klink had been. "Sorry Corporal, but we just can't stand to lose a pair of legs like that. Besides, the army needs a few more snappy dressers. Now, tell me where I can find your C.O."

"Over there," Klinger pouted, pointing to one of the few actual buildings in camp. "You'll find a little guy with glasses. He'll take you to the colonel."

"Thanks corporal. Carry on." Hogan waved Kinch on. "What kind of a nut house is this?"

"Some interesting characters, that's for sure," Kinch said, looking over his shoulder to see Corporal Klinger skipping along his post. Shaking his head, he stopped the jeep at the building and jumped out. "Looks even worse up close," he remarked, stretching his sore muscles.

Hogan jumped out and sniffed the air. "Smells worse up close too. Come on," he said as he made his way into the main building. True to Klinger's word, they found a short little corporal with glasses going through a filing cabinet while another corporal, who was not much taller but at least looked old enough to shave, looked on.

"Thanks Goldman," the first corporal said, closing the drawer.

"You gonna come to Rosie's tonight Radar?" the other, Goldman, asked, nudging him a little.

"Aw come on," Radar said, a little miffed.

"Ahem." Kinch cleared his throat. Both corporals jumped and turned. Kinch raised an eyebrow and looked at Hogan, who had the same expression on his face.

"Oh! Excuse me sirs!" Radar cried, quickly saluting. "I didn't even hear you come in! Geez!"

Still keeping an eye on Goldman, Kinch returned the salute. "It's okay Corporal, you weren't expecting us."

Radar opened his mouth but closed it again. Goldman, noticing that he was the object of the officers' attention, threw them a salute and quickly slipped through the doors beside him and left. Both officers watched him go.

"Anything I can do for you?" Radar asked, sounding a little nervous.

Kinch was the first one to snap out of his trance. He threw Hogan a curious glance, but the general just shrugged. "Uh, yes, sorry. We need to see your CO."

"Oh sure. He's just in here," Radar said, pointing to the double doors at the other end of the room.

"Thank-you Corporal… Radar?" Kinch said, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh no sir," Radar said with a little laugh. "It's Corporal O'Reilly. Walter O'Reilly. People call me Radar because sometimes I can tell what's going to happen before it does. Except you guys coming. Boy, you just snuck right up on me… sirs."

"Sneaking is our specialty," Hogan said with a little grin. He looked behind him and turned back again to Radar. "Does this CO of yours realize he's got a sentry out there wearing a dress?"

Radar wasn't sure whether to laugh or be embarrassed. "Klinger? Yeah, he's always trying to come up with ways to get out of here. He usually tries to sneak out as Korean women. But last week he built a glider and tried to fly out."

Hogan looked amused. "Now there's a guy we could've used in our organization. Anyway," he said, waving towards the CO's office.

"Oh, right," Radar exclaimed. "Follow me." He was just about to go into the CO's office, when the door swung open nearly hitting the corporal in the face. Radar jumped back and a captain stepped out, carrying a rather large briefcase.

"You may need to get an engineer to fix that radar of yours corporal," Hogan said wryly as Radar straightened his glasses.

"Sorry about that," the captain said apologetically. "I didn't see you there corporal." The captain turned and saluted Kinch and Hogan. "Excuse me sirs," he said as he moved to pass them.

Hogan suddenly grabbed the man's elbow and pulled him back, staring at him intently. There was something oddly familiar about this fair-haired captain. Hogan got the distinct impression he had seen him somewhere before… maybe… without the glasses?

Hogan made a grab for the captain's wide-frame glasses but suddenly stopped himself. He was being silly.

"Is there something I can do for you sir?" the captain asked nervously, completely lost as to why he was the object of a two-star general's curiosity.

Hogan shook his head, feeling a bit dazed, before letting him go. "No. Sorry about that captain."

"It's all right sir," the captain said, straightening his uniform. "Quite a grip there General sir."

"Not as strong as Hercules, but not bad for a General," Kinch said, also eyeing the captain suspiciously. Hogan turned to Kinch and raised an eyebrow. Hercules… did Kinch see the resemblance too?

Wary of the other officers' stares, the captain cleared his throat and turned to Radar. "I just delivered Captain Tuttle's GI insurance to Colonel Blake. Would you just double-check that it's turned over to Sister Theresa's orphanage?" Radar nodded and with that, the captain gave another quick salute before hightailing it out of the building.

Hogan watched him go, still unable to shake the feeling that he'd seen the captain somewhere before. But Hercules was dead, a long time ago. And the departing captain had been very much alive, and an American besides. Finally, Hogan shrugged and turned to Radar, waving to the CO's office.

"Oh right, this way sirs," Radar said. He tilted his head, just to make sure, before pushing the doors open and stepping in, closely followed by Hogan and Kinch. "Sir?"

Hogan watched as the colonel, who had a glass of liquor in his hand and his feet resting on his desk, jump a little, nearly toppling backwards. The other man in the room, a Korean, grinned and took a sip of his drink.

"Don't do that Radar!" the colonel shouted, wiping up a little bit of his drink that had spilled on his shirt.

"Sorry sir," Radar apologized.

The colonel looked up and noticed his other visitors. He quickly jumped to his feet, brushing himself off. "Oh, good afternoon General!" he said, quickly saluting and consequently catching his finger on one of the many fishing hooks on his hat. To his credit, he waited until Hogan had returned the salute before dropping his hand and sucking on his injured finger.

"Good afternoon Colonel," Kinch said, hiding a smile. "I'm Colonel Kinchloe, this is General Hogan."

"Ple-" the CO said, his voice muffled by his hand. Quickly realizing his error, he took his finger out of his mouth, promptly paled at the sight of his cut and began sucking on it again.

"Excuse me, but aren't you a doctor? It's just a little nick," Hogan said, a little amused at the whole thing.

"Well, to tell you the truth sir, I can paint a barn with other people's blood, but I can't stand to see my own."

"You must have some very interesting barns back home," Hogan replied with a cheeky grin.

"Well, actually sir, I'm from Bloomington-"

"Don't bore the man Henry," the other man, who was still seated said, cutting him off.

"Oh right. Well, as I was saying, we're mighty glad you're here General. I'm Colonel Henry Blake and this is Captain Sam Pak," he said, pointing to his companion, who offered a rather lazy salute. "What brings you to the 4077th General?" Hogan took a seat and looked intensely at Henry's drink. Noticing his gaze, Henry quickly stood and moved to his liquor cabinet. "Care for some refreshment General sir?"

"Don't mind if I do," Hogan said.

Henry handed him a glass. "Best scotch in Korea," he boasted proudly.

Hogan took a little sip. "Tell me what this war is about again," he said to Kinch who also had a glass.

"Can't be for the scotch," Kinch surmised.

"LeBeau made better stuff in the tunnels."

"Sir?" Henry interrupted, hopelessly trying follow the General's conversation.

"Nothing," Hogan said dismissively. "We're actually here to visit one of my men. He's a patient here."

"One of your men? I don't think we've had any pilots in lately. Radar?" Radar just shrugged.

"Oh, he's not in the air force. He's a demolitions man- Lieutenant Carter. We heard he'd been wounded and was sent here."

"Lieutenant Carter. Radar, do we have a Lieutenant Carter here?"

Radar thought for a moment. "He's that guy who came in the day before yesterday."

Sam Pak perked up. "Oh yeah. The big hero." Noticing Hogan's curious glance, he decided to continue. "You remember Henry, he's that guy who defused that unexploded bomb in that village."

"Oh yeah, I remember him now. Lieutenant Carter, how could I forget."

"So if he defused the bomb, how'd he get injured?" Kinch asked.

"One of the kids in the village got scared and ran into a minefield. The lieutenant went in after him. Tripped a mine on the way out."

Hogan exchanged a startled look with Kinch. "Just how bad is he hurt?"

"Not bad," Henry quickly assured him. "A bit of shrapnel in his leg. Probably have to send him home, but he still gets to wear two boots."

"And the kid is all right too," Pak chimed in. "In fact, the whole village is sending the lieutenant seventeen jars of kimchi, nine chickens and three business girls have offered him their services as a thank-you."

Hogan and Kinch both choked on their drinks. "That's awfully nice of them," Hogan finally sputtered.

Suddenly, the doors swung open and two majors marched in, both wearing scowls. Radar quickly moved out of the way and scurried out of the room. "Colonel Blake, I want to file a complaint against Captain Pierce!"

"Aw hell's bells, you just filed one against him. Couldn't you wait until the end of the month and just send me a blanket complaint?" Henry pleaded, sounding somewhat exasperated.

"But Colonel," the ferret-faced major whined, "don't you even want to know what he did?!"

Henry threw his eyes to the ceiling and sighed. "What did he do this time Burns?"

Major Burns squirmed a little and exchanged a glance with the blond bombshell beside him. "Tell him Frank."

"When I came into the mess tent, he went like this." Major Burns covered his mouth with his fist and blew a raspberry. Hogan couldn't help it and left out a little laugh. The two majors looked at him in surprise, just noticing him and quickly brought themselves to attention. "Uh, Colonel," Burns said in an irritatingly high voice, nodding ever so slightly to Hogan.

"Oh right. This is General Hogan and that's Colonel Kinchloe. These are Majors Burns and Houlihan."

"Which one's which?" Hogan asked, scanning the blond thoroughly.

"Doesn't matter, they're interchangeable," Sam grinned, receiving dirty looks from both majors.

"I'm Major Houlihan. Major Margaret Houlihan," the blond purred, also taking the opportunity to scan the General intently.

Burns caught the googly eyes Margaret was exchanging with Hogan and cleared his throat, turning back to Henry. "What are you going to do about Pierce?"

"Oh come on Frank, it was just a joke," Henry said.

"Just a joke? You mean you're going to put up with that kind of disrespect?"

"Disrespect?" Hogan repeated, tearing his eyes from Margaret and turning to Frank. "Do you know what that sound is? That's a Bronx cheer! It's a sign of respect and admiration! You should be very proud." At this point everyone was looking at him as if he were crazy. All except Kinch, who started to chuckle. "Eh," Hogan said, shrugging his shoulders, "I guess that doesn't work on Americans."

"What brings you to the 4077th General," Margaret asked in a sing-song voice, smoothing down her shirt ever so slightly. This could be good. The crazier the general, the more they seemed to like her.

"Uh the General here is checking up on one of his men- Lieutenant Carter," Henry explained.

Frank snapped up the opportunity and moved a little closer to Hogan. "I remember him. I was the first one to look at his leg."

"He survived anyway," Sam quipped. Hogan shot him a grin and turned back to Henry.

"Can we see him now?"

"Of course you-"

"Sir?" Radar scurried back into the office, a stack of papers in his hand.

"What now?" Henry asked as Radar plopped the stack on his desk.

"Just some forms," Radar explained, handing him a pen. "Sign here, and here. And initial here, and here." Radar continued to take papers off the stack, coaching the colonel on where to sign and initial. "Oh and there's a Korean outside that needs medical attention," he said between pages.

"Well send him in," Henry mumbled.

"COME IN!" Radar hollered. Kinch snorted quietly, suddenly remembering Schultz and Klink. He glanced at Hogan, but the general just rolled his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

A moment later, a large Korean shuffled in, his hat in his hands. "What? Another one?" Frank complained. He snatched away a card from the Korean's outstretched hand. "Kim Luck?! That's the third one today! How many of these foreigners are we going to have to look at? We should be saving our attention for those brave boys at the front who are fighting the horde!" He puffed out his chest and turned up his nose as if he were posing for a recruitment poster. Hogan just groaned and shook his head. "And I'm sure I just treated this one yesterday."

"Well we all look alike," Pak smirked. Frank scowled at him.

"Henry, this is the last straw!" another voice exclaimed before two more men came into the room. "Do you realize the camp cook tried to feed us chipped sausage and eggs in a glass?"

"No Hawk," the other interrupted, "it was chipped eggs and sausage in a glass. And don't forget the powdered toast."

"How could I forget?! I'm still brushing it off my shirt. Henry, you gotta do something about this!"

"Well what do you want me to do Pierce?! Order you ribs from Chicago?!"

"Yeah, but don't forget the coleslaw this time!" The captain shot back indignantly. At that moment, he noticed Hogan and Kinch. "Ah, a General, good. Come on Trap, let's take him to the mess tent and feed him. If he doesn't die, maybe he'll get us some _real_ food."

"Now wait a minute Pierce," Burns interrupted loudly, " _I'll_ take the General to the mess tent!"

"And ruin your chance for a promotion?" Pak grinned.

"Excuse me-" the Korean started, while Major Houlihan went off about the captains' lack of discipline, and Radar continued to dog Blake about signing forms, and the captains hollered about the lack of edible food. As the pandemonium grew, Hogan found himself overwhelmed by it all. Finally, he couldn't take it anymore and jumped up from his seat.

"ATTENTION!"

Nothing. At least, not from the Korean and the captains. Their lack of respect threw Houlihan and Burns back into a tizzy and suddenly, the whole room filled with noise again.

"QUIET!"

The room became completely silent. Hogan blinked and stared at Radar, who had issued the command. Sniffle, and they said he'd get more respect as a General.

"First off," Hogan began, "unless you're being fed sauerkraut and black bread with sawdust, you're not getting my sympathy Captain. Second, Colonel Blake, I'm not sure if you're aware of the fact that half those sheets you signed were blank."

The two Captains winced while Henry gave Radar a surprised look. "Blank sheets? Well why are you getting me to sign blank sheet Radar?"

"Saves time," Radar supplied helpfully. Hogan hid a smile. When he'd first noticed, he debated whether he should mention it. After all, he'd pulled that on Klink too many times to count. But Klink was the enemy, Blake was an American, though they both seemed to be equally oblivious and bumbling.

"Well, that makes sense," Blake shrugged.

"Colonel, they're pulling the wool over your eyes," Houlihan protested.

"They'll probably use that to forge passes so they can spend a decadent weekend in Seoul!" Frank cried.

Oh boy, not again. Hogan pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed as once again the room plunged into chaos. Slowly, he stood, motioning for Kinch to follow him, and made his way out of the room.

Hogan waited in the outer office and shot Kinch a cheeky grin. "One, two, three," he said and then pointed a finger to the door. Suddenly, the noise from the other room died. A moment later, the doors flung open, as everyone poured out.

"Oh General," Blake said cheerfully, "there you are. We thought we lost you."

"Lord knows we tried."

"Pierce," Blake warned.

"How can you be so disrespectful?" Houlihan cried.

Hogan felt a headache coming on. He had to stop this before it all started up yet again! Carter had better be awake or he was going to be very grumpy.

"All right, hold it, hold it. You, names, ranks and serial numbers," he said, pointing to the captains.

"What are we, prisoners of war?"

"Don't tempt me."

Both captains stood straighter, throwing their shoulders back and their chests out. "McIntyre, Captain, 3!" He gave a cheeky grin. "I was one of the first ones in."

"Cute," Hogan said, rolling his eyes. "And you?"

"He, Lone Ranger, me, Tonto."

"He's just joking," Colonel Blake said with a nervous chuckle. "He's really Captain Pierce."

"Great. Now, can someone in this nut house show me to Carter?"

"Carter?" McIntyre repeated, tapping his chin. "Hey Hawk, isn't that the one you worked on the other day, with the shrapnel in his leg?"

"Yeah. Saved that little kid. He's a big hero around these parts."

"Already got the run down thanks," Hogan interrupted. Much as he liked hearing good things about his men, he really just wanted to see Carter and have a nap.

"Is he awake doctor?" Kinch asked, sensing Hogan's impatience.

"He should be," Pierce shrugged. "But he's on a lot of morphine. He hasn't made any sense since he woke up."

Hogan couldn't help but laugh. "I doubt it's just the morphine."

"Uh Pierce, why don't you take the General and the Colonel to their man," Blake suggested, his eyes seemingly pleading with Pierce to behave.

"One Post-Op tour coming up," Pierce agreed. "Come on Trap." He started walking but suddenly stopped and bowed slightly to Hogan, pointing to the doors leading to Post-Op. "Apres vous, mon General."

"Somewhere LeBeau is sobbing in his crêpe suzette," Kinch grinned as he and Hogan made their way out.

Margaret suddenly cleared her throat and followed after them. "Margaret?" Burns whined, "where are you going?"

"Well Frank, I have to do my rounds in Post-Op," Houlihan explained as she straightened her hair.

"But I thought we were going to-" the major shot a glance at the others in the room- "check the inventory in the supply hut."

Houlihan just shrugged and practically skipped after the General… to check on her patients… of course. Just because the General was young and handsome didn't mean she was going to throw herself at him. More than she did with any other General anyway.

Frank let out a pathetic whimper and moved to go after her but Colonel Blake stopped him. "Uh Frank. I think since you've had so much experience, you can look after Mr. Luck." Frank whirled around and scowled. Henry just shrugged as he and Sam made their way back into his office. Radar giggled quietly, but quickly scurried away when Frank shot him a dirty look.

Post-op was fairly quiet, Hogan noticed with relief as he massaged his temples. He definitely needed a nap. The smell of disinfectant that hung in the air was only making his headache worse.

Hogan spotted Carter right away. Actually, he heard him before he saw him. With a grin, Hogan straightened his bomber jacket, and marched up to the foot of Carter's bed. Carter was cheerfully rambling to someone who was sitting on the bed beside him. He suddenly stopped and glanced at Hogan. A big smile nearly swallowed his face.

"Colonel! Kinch! Oh boy, am I glad you're here! I was just talking about you!" Carter stopped and blinked. "Oh right. Sorry sir, it's General now I guess."

Hogan grinned and plopped down on the bed beside Carter and grabbed his arm. "It's all right Carter," he said, fingering the name patch on his worn bomber jacket. "See, still says colonel right here."

"You still have that jacket?" Carter said, somewhat amazed.

"Eh, call me sentimental."

"Oh, so you're the one I've been hearing so much about," a pleasant voice said from the bed on Carter's other side. Hogan looked up and promptly paled three shades. Across from him sat a chaplain whose wire-framed glasses gave him a mild-mannered look. Stiffening, Hogan glanced at Kinch from the corner of one eye. Kinch seemed a little surprised, but said nothing. "He's been regaling me with some very interesting stories. But they're so crazy, I'm inclined to think it's the morphine talking," the chaplain explained with a good-natured laugh.

"Uh, yeah, morphine…" Hogan said, his lips twitching. He peered at the chaplain suspiciously. "Say… you don't have any cousins from England do you?"

For just a moment, the chaplain looked offended, but quickly smiled and laughed. "I shouldn't think so. Maybe Ireland."

"Ever been in a prison camp?" Kinch asked, also regarding the chaplain curiously.

"Where do you think we are now?" Pierce said cheekily, earning him a rather unimpressed eye roll from Hogan. "Don't worry Father Mulcahy, he's been threatening to make everyone here prisoners." Noticing that Hogan was still giving Mulcahy an inordinate amount of attention, Pierce decided to drop the spotlight back on his patient. "How are you feeling Lieutenant?"

Carter grinned and nestled back into his pillow. "Oh fine," he said before turning back to Hogan. "You didn't have to come all the way out here to see me."

"Wha?" Hogan pulled his attention away from Father Mulcahy. "Oh, yeah, sure I did Carter."

"We heard you're quite the hero Andrew," Kinch said, settling down beside Hogan.

"Aw shucks," Carter managed. "Nothing to it. Piece of pie."

"Cake, Carter, cake." Carter just blinked. With a little smile, Hogan shook his head. "Never mind Carter." He never did get that one, no reason he should start now. "Carter, what on earth are you doing here?"

"Well gee sir, I had to go in and save-"

"No, not here, I mean in the army. You went home a hero. Last I heard you had your own little shop and everything."

Carter grinned sheepishly. "I guess it got boring. Bombs are more exciting than a drug store."

Hogan looked up a shook his head a little. Kinch grinned and clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Well, it's your fault General."

"My fault?"

"I seem to recall it was you who ordered Carter to make his first bomb," Kinch explained.

"Actually Kinch, I made my first bomb when I was still in high school. I blew up the entire-"

"Never mind Carter."

"Right." Suddenly, Carter let out a tired yawn. "Geez, I'm beat."

"I bet," Kinch said, patting his friend's arm. "Listen, get some sleep, the general and I will be back later."

"Good idea," Pierce agreed. "Father," he said brightly, casting a sly look Hogan's way, "why don't you take the General on a grand tour of the 4077th. Show him the sights."

"Oh yes, the cesspool is lovely this time of year," McIntyre added cheerfully in a phoney British accent.

"No!" Hogan said, jumping to his feet. Quickly regaining his composure, he managed to force a tiny smile. "No thanks padre. I'm sure Kinch and I can sightsee by ourselves." He started to leave, but suddenly stopped and turned back to Mulcahy. It was too much of a coincident that Mulcahy, Goldman and the captain seemed familiar. Someone had to be lying to him about who they really were. "Say, Father, you ever play cricket?"

"Cricket?" Mulcahy asked in surprise.

"Forget it. See you later Carter." Without waiting for Carter's reply, Hogan hightailed it out of Post-Op and stepped out into the compound, Kinch closely behind him. "You recognized him too, right Kinch?" he asked desperately.

"I admit he was a little familiar colonel but-"

"And that captain?! You saw it too? I'm not going crazy, am I?"

"Going?"

"Don't get cute with me Kinch," Hogan said petulantly.

"Listen, Rob, you're taking this way out of proportion. A little resemblance here and there, your mind is making it into something more than it is. You're just tired."

"Right, just tired."

"Calm down. They're all just coincidences. Just keep repeating that to yourself. It's just a coincidence."

"Just a coincidence. Right." Or maybe his cheese was finally slipping off his cracker. It was inevitable really. In fact, he was surprised it hadn't happened sooner. But then, if his sanity could survive a Klink violin solo, it could survive anything. Hogan took a deep breath. He was being silly. Ridiculous. He was just tired. Hitting all those potholes on the way to the 4077th had turned his brain to mush. Easily fixed with a nap.

Kinch clapped him on the back. Suddenly, the door behind them opened and a tall redhead stepped out, sauntering past them. Hogan smirked and appraised her from behind. "Hmmm, you know Kinch, I think that's exactly what I need to put my mind at ease."

Kinch rolled his eyes slightly. "Want me to steer her back this way?"

"I knew there was a reason I promoted you."

"Right." Leaving Hogan behind, Kinch jogged up to the nurse. Hogan watched as they talked for a moment. After a moment, the nurse turned to follow Kinch back. Hogan suddenly stiffened. "General, this is Nurse-"

"If you say Sally Holmes I swear I'll bust you down to private."

Kinch raised an eyebrow. "This is Lieutenant Shelia Anderson."

"Another one of your coincidences?" Hogan said lightly, looking Anderson up and down before making a quick getaway.

Kinch cleared his throat awkwardly. He didn't see anything familiar about the nurse, except maybe her measurements. "Uh, well, he just wanted to tell you what a good job you're all doing here. Excuse me." Leaving the bewildered nurse, Kinch ran after the general.

"Just a coincidence. Just a coincidence. Right. You and your brilliant ideas. Well I tell ya if -"

Hogan's ranting was cut off when the sound of a firing gun filled the air. A collective cry went up as everyone, except the still distraught general, hit the dirt. When another shot went off, Kinch tackled his commanding officer and covered him on ground. "Sniper attack," Kinch explained.

"Great. But if we catch him and he turns out to be a familiar looking Kraut, I'm going to have your silver bird for breakfast."

"From what I hear, it'll taste better than the grub they serve here."

"Oh ha-ha. Ever thought about doing a comedy routine for the USO?"

"Plenty of times, but not without you; what's Bing without Bob?"

"Kinch," Hogan growled.

"It's all right, it's all right, we've got him," a voice called out a few minutes later. Hogan and Kinch let out a sigh of relief.

"Wanna go see him?" Kinch asked with a cheeky grin, though he knew he shouldn't push Hogan's wavering sanity any further.

"Kinch," Hogan said as he jumped to his feet and brushed himself off, "I never thought I'd say this, but, I see nothing and know nothing and that's the way I like it."

"Listen, it's been a long day. Why don't you grab a bite from the mess tent and then go have a nap."

Hogan stretched. "Sleep, right. That'll fix everything."

"Good, come on." Kinch grabbed Hogan's arm and practically dragged him to the mess tent, all the time praying they didn't encounter any more look-alikes.

As for Hogan, he didn't trust in prayer. Instead, he kept his eyes on the ground. There was little chance he would find someone's feet familiar. And if he did? Well, feet were supposed to look alike, right? Yes, that was what he would do, just keep his eyes on the ground.

Closely following Kinch, Hogan made his way through the tangle of generic feet in the mess tent and to the chow line. "Phew… so this is where that smell was coming from," Kinch said, scrunching his nose as he looked over the trays of food.

"Smells like Klink's aftershave lotion," Hogan agreed as he grabbed a tray. He kept his eyes down, but found the food so revolting, that he couldn't help but turn away from it. "You're really gonna make me eat this?"

"Yup," Kinch answered simply. "Fill us up Private," he commanded the nervous-looking soldier who was serving the food.

"This is cruel and inhuman punishment Kinch," Hogan muttered, gazing upon the piles of food, his stomach churning.

"I know." And with that, Kinch pulled Hogan out of the line and the two headed for the nearest table.

"I think my potatoes are still alive," Hogan grimaced as he poked at his food cautiously. He was only disgusted, not surprised, when it poked back.

"I think that's a bug," Kinch countered. Hogan just groaned. "Nothing wrong with a little extra protein."

"Oh, general," a very cheerful voice said from behind. A moment later, Pierce and McIntyre plopped themselves on the bench beside them. "I see your trying out the 4077th house special- road kill on a shingle."

"It's not _that_ bad," Hogan said. To prove his point, he dug into his undead potatoes and took a big bite- bug and all.

"That's very brave of you general," Pierce said.

"Yeah, the enemy gave those potatoes five stars," McIntyre added.

"I never ate anything that outranked me," Hogan muttered and then set about ignoring the two captains.

Noticing, Pierce exchanged a mischievous look with McIntyre. "Better slow down there general, I don't want to have to pump your stomach later."

"He looks sick already," Pierce noted, inspecting Hogan with a critical eye. "You been sleeping well lately?"

Hogan gulped down a spoonful of mush. "Well, now that you-" Wait, what kind of game were these guys playing? Something told him these two liked to mess with people's heads just for the fun of it. That was his bit! He wasn't going to be a Klink to these two lunatics. "I'm fine."

"Hey Hawkeye, Trapper," an oddly familiar voice said. The hair on Hogan's neck rose and he vehemently kept his eye on his disgusting tray of food.

"Go away Woodruff, we don't got a dime for a cup of coffee," McIntyre said sourly.

The man laughed and sat down across from them. "The poker game on for tonight?"

"I dunno, you got any money to pay me with this time?" Pierce asked.

"That was one time, let it go. Besides, I gotta get back to I-Corp tomorrow and I want a chance to make all that money back."

There was an old saying that curiosity killed the cat. Well, it was a good thing that Hogan wasn't a cat, because his curiosity had reached a boiling point. He knew it was going to be a mistake. A really, really big mistake, especially with the kind of luck he was having lately. But if there was one thing that could be said about Robert E. Hogan, it was that he wasn't afraid to take a chance, despite the odds. And so, mustering his courage, Hogan looked up at the new arrival.

And promptly wished he hadn't.

This was getting ridiculous. In fact, Hogan might've laughed if it was happening to someone else. As it was, Hogan took it as a sign he was losing his marbles. His little red choo-choo was chugging around the bend. His trolley was being derailed. He was playing with half a deck. He was driving without his headlights.

Jumping up, Hogan bolted from the table and ran to the doors, only to smash straight into Radar, who, for reasons unknown, had piled his tray a foot high with food. Food which now found itself splattered all over Hogan's jacket and dripping down his pants. Hogan threw his eyes up and groaned.

"Oh geez, I'm sorry General!" Radar said, vainly trying to brush Hogan off, only to succeed in spreading the mess.

"No, no," Hogan said quickly and somewhat exasperated, "I'm glad I could save you from an early death. You weren't going to eat all that, were you?"

"Uh, well-"

"Never mind," Hogan said, pushing past the corporal. He had to get as far away from Woodruff as humanly possible.

It took all his will-power not to hyperventilate. "It was Hauptman, Kinch," Hogan gasped, whirling around to find Kinch behind him, as he knew he would.

"Hauptman?" Kinch repeated warily.

"Yeah, yeah, you remember, the big war hero who was charged with treason because his secretary, who you introduced to me earlier by the way, was working with the Gestapo, but we convinced Burkhalter that she was really Sally Holmes a British agent and the Gestapo took her away and we cleared Hauptman's name and-"

"Whoa, Rob, calm down, you're babbling." Hogan never babbled. Kinch grabbed onto his shoulders and shook him slightly.

"But you did recognize him," Hogan pushed.

"I never met Hauptman," Kinch deflected. Truth was, he had recognized Woodruff, but as far as he was concerned, the man looked more like Major Kuehn than anyone else.

"Right, right, you weren't there," Hogan said, worming out of Kinch's grasp. Suddenly, he perked up. "I can ask Carter. He was-"

"No. Just, let it go. It's a coincidence."

"You keep saying that. One or two guys, fine, but we're up to five now. It's just not possible! It's some conspiracy! I bet ya Major Hochstetter's going to pop out somewhere any second, laughing maniacally about his brilliant scheme for revenge."

"Calm down. That guy wasn't Kuehn, he was Sergeant Woodruff. You're just-"

Hogan jumped back. "Kuehn?" he repeated in a squeaky voice. Kinch winced. Oh, this was not going to make things better.

Hogan's mind raced furiously. Yes, Woodruff had resembled Major Kuehn. On second thought, Colonel Hauptman had resembled Major Kuehn as well. And for that matter- "Captain Borhman," Hogan muttered.

"Borhman?"

"Yeah, remember, he was blackmailing Klink with that picture? And what about Major Bock? You know, when the Krauts set up that counterfeiting shop in camp."

Kinch thought about it for a moment. As much as he didn't want to admit it, Hogan had a point. All those men had looked strangely similar. Why hadn't they noticed it before though? Perhaps his coincidence theory needed a revision.

No, he had to convince Hogan this was all just a trick of the mind before they both completely lost it. "It's not possible for five people to look exactly the same."

"Ever hear of the Dion quintuplets? Besides, what if they're not five different people? What if they're all the same person?"

"That's ridiculous. Half those guys died- we _saw_ Hercules die. They're different people and it's all a big coincidence that they look vaguely, somewhat, remotely similar to people we met at Stalag 13. Got it?" Hogan didn't looked convinced, but he had calm down some, Kinch noticed gratefully. "You're a mess. Why don't you hit the showers. I'll take your clothes to be cleaned."

Hogan let out a little sigh. "You think I'm crazy?"

"I think you're tired," Kinch said without pause, giving Hogan a small smile.

Hogan managed to smile back. "Thanks."

"Come on," Kinch said as he started to make his way to the showers.

He knew it was stupid, but when they reached the tent, Hogan hesitated outside the door. "Want me to make sure there's no familiar faces in there?" Kinch asked, watching him with concern.

Hogan scrunched his nose. "Next you'll be asking me if you can check my closet for monsters."

Kinch shrugged and poked his head into the tent. "Coast is clear."

"Right. I'm going in. Any advice coach?"

"Just go in there and win one of the Gipper."

"Right… right… After you Kinch."

"General Robert E. Hogan, leader of men," Kinch said with a wry smile, earning a scowl from Hogan. Clicking his tongue, Kinch pushed the door open and marched in. "No one's in here," he announced again after checking the stalls.

"Okay, okay." Cautiously he stepped in and scanned the room just to make sure. "Here," he said, tossing Kinch his jacket. Kinch caught it and quickly held it as far away from his body as possible. "I hope the smell comes out."

"Might have to call in the Marines," Kinch surmised as he gathered the rest of Hogan's clothes. "And don't worry, I'll send a new uniform in with a complete stranger."

"What are you planning on doing?" Hogan asked as he slipped into a stall.

"I think I'll go sit with Carter for a little while. After all, he's the whole reason we came."

"Right, I almost forgot with all this fun we've been having."

Kinch let out a little snort and left. Sighing, Hogan watched him go before turning on the shower. The water was surprisingly hot. Hogan had been preparing himself for a blast of ice, what with the luck he'd been having so far.

It took a moment or two, but Hogan found himself relaxing under the stream of hot water. But Hogan was never one to relax when there was an emergency- and he classified the events of the day as an emergency because either he was going insane, or someone was playing some sort of sick mind game on him.

Despite a few nagging doubts, especially those of late, Hogan was sure he wasn't crazy. It didn't make sense for him to have a nervous breakdown now. He had a relatively easy, stress-free job- nothing like his command at Stalag 13. In fact, he was still surprised he hadn't gone crazy those last few months of the war. And besides, if he were having a nervous break down, then why did it involve people he hadn't seen in over five years? Delayed reaction? Not likely.

But then again, his other theory had holes in it too. After all, who would do something like this to him? He was so sweet and lovable. And besides, it seemed like an awful lot of work just to play with his head.

Sighing, Hogan flopped his head back and raced through any and all possibilities.

Nada.

"Sir?" a voice said, shaking Hogan from his thoughts. "It's Radar." Hogan scrunched his nose. Not a stranger, but strange enough.

"Do you have a uniform for me, corporal?"

"Uh, yes sir." The door opened a crack as Radar held the uniform out to him.

Raising an eyebrow, Hogan grabbed a towel and stepped out of his stall. "Is there something in this tent I should know about?"

"Sir?"

"Why aren't you coming in?" Hogan clarified as he searched the floor for anything suspicious.

"Oh," Radar said, sounding a little relieved, "I just never saw a general without his stars on before, that's all."

"Ah, yes, I hear they've just made that a court-martial offence," Hogan said, grabbing the offered uniform. A moment later, he was dressed and stepping out into the open, where Radar was waiting for him. "Still here?"

Radar, who had his eyes tightly shut, nodded and snuck a small peek at him. When he was satisfied Hogan had his uniform and stars on, he relaxed and nodded. "Colonel Kinchloe wanted me to show you to the VIP tent."

"Good. I'm beat." Hogan let out a yawn to illustrate his point.

"This way," Radar said, quickly making his way across the compound. Hogan followed but suddenly stopped.

"Where are we going?" he asked, as he turned and pointed in the other direction. "Unless I'm mistaken, we passed the VIP tent when we came in over there."

"Latrine." Radar explained as if it were obvious.

"I-" Hogan stopped and tilted his head, glancing at the corporal curiously. "I see you're radar is up and running again, Radar. Lead on."

They had almost arrived when Pierce and McIntyre ambled up. "Ah, general," Pierce said cheerfully. "I see you're going on the VIP tour. I think you'll find the latrines lovely this time of day."

"Hardly any rats during the day," McIntyre added.

"Just the doorman," Hawkeye added. "But just throw him a piece of cheese and he'll let you in."

"And if you see a rat with a limp, don't hurt him- he's the camp mascot."

"Are you two done?" Hogan asked.

The two captains exchanged glances, hemming and hawing a little. "I'm done; you done Hawk?"

"I'm so done you could stick a fork in me."

"Good." And with that, Hogan pushed past them, Radar in tow.

"You know Hawk, I don't think he likes us."

"I can't imagine why," Pierce said innocently when Hogan was out of hearing range. "Come on, I think someone ordered a short-sheeting in the VIP tent."

They were about to go off and do their nefarious deed when the sound of grinding and squeaking metal filled the air. Both captains stopped to see a huge tank enter the compound. "Someone order a tank too?"

"Are you- HEY!"

A jeep suddenly rounded a corner, heading straight for the oncoming tank. "Ugly John, look out!" The jeep swerved to miss the tank, crashing straight into the latrine, which toppled over. The tank screeched to a stop and a moment later, the top popped open, revealing a rather angry colonel.

"What the hell do you think you were doing?" The colonel yelled through a cigar at the jeep driving.

"Blimey mate, I didn't see you!" came the reply in a thick Australian accent.

"Didn't see me?" the colonel yelled back, hoisting himself out of his tank and marching over.

Hawkeye and Trapper ignored them and ran to the latrine, where a very shaken Radar was sitting on the ground. "Radar, you okay?" McIntyre asked, checking him over.

"Yeah, yeah." Suddenly Radar froze. "Oh geez! The general was in there! Holy smokes." Trapper and Hawkeye exchanged glances and quickly began shoving rubble out of the way.

"Hey, general, you okay down there?" McIntyre called. "General, if you can hear me, knock three times. If you can't knock twice."

Two faint knocks filled the air.

"Oh Lord, he's dead!" Pierce cried in mock horror.

"Quit clowning around," Radar cried.

"All right, all right. You know you're cute when you're angry?"

"Aw come on."

As for Hogan, he was still completely confused as to how he managed to end up waist deep in waste. One minute he'd been checking for rats, the next- crash, bang, splash- in he went. He wasn't entirely sure, but he had a feeling Pierce and McIntyre had something to do with his unfortunate predicament.

Strangely, he found that thought comforting. They were completely unfamiliar, bearing no resemblance to anyone he'd met before. He didn't think he could handle it if another doppelganger had been responsible.

His suspicions were confirmed and his mind put at ease when the rubble above him slowly cleared away to reveal the members of the 4077th peering back down at him.

"By Jove, I think we've struck stars," Pierce exclaimed as he looked down at the dirty general.

"A diamond in the muck," McIntyre added.

"Aw geez, you okay General?"

"I'm fine," Hogan said after a moment. "But I think I'll need another shower."

"I'll say. Even here at Chez Crummy we have standards," Hawkeye said, scrunching his nose.

"We don't accept anyone without neckties."

Rolling his eyes, Hogan stretched out his hand. "Help me up you two jackasses."

"What, me touch that filthy hand?! I'm a surgeon!" Pierce cried in disgust, but even as he said it, he and McIntyre were reaching down to grab Hogan's hand.

"Now what the hey happened?" Hogan asked as he tried to get a good footing to help lift himself out.

"Some idiot in a jeep swerved to miss some idiot in a tank," McIntyre explained with a small grunt as he pulled Hogan up.

A great sense of fear and utter dread gripped Hogan. No, he was just going to let it go at that- two idiots had accidentally tried to kill him. Two completely random idiots, who bore no resemblance whatsoever to anyone he had ever met before in his entire life had tried to run him over and drown him in the camp's latrine.

Right.

And there really was a Santa Claus too.

For just a moment, Hogan debated plunking himself back down into the muck below. Maybe he could just stay down there for the rest of the war. But then how would that look? A two-star general in a two-bit camp's latrine.

And so, mustering up his courage for the sake of what little pride he had left, Hogan crawled up and out of the latrine and onto firm footing. Taking a deep breath, Hogan looked past his rescuers to see his would-be assassins.

All right, that was it. Hogan had had enough. He _wasn't_ going crazy; it was just some sort of plot to make him _think_ he was going crazy.

Well, he wasn't going to stand for it anymore. The madness had to stop.

Ignoring Hawkeye, Trapper, and Radar, Hogan stood, shook himself off and marched straight up to the two men who were arguing in the background.

The Captain, a man with an Australian accent and a cheesy moustache, noticed him first and snapped to attention. Hogan ignored him; he would get to him in a minute. No, the object of most of his curiosity was the colonel, a tall, blond man with a cigar firmly clenched between his teeth.

"Sorry about that general," the colonel said with a salute, "but this idiot here-"

"Achtung!" Hogan barked. As he expected, the colonel snapped to a rigid attention.

"Wait a minute… Achtung? That's German!" the colonel exclaimed, his cigar drooping a little in his confusion.

"Just like you- Count von Waffenschmidt!"

Now the cigar was precariously balanced on the edge of the colonel's lips. "Count von- what the? My name's Colonel Griswald, I'm a tank commander for-"

"All right, so you won't admit to Waffenschmidt. I don't blame you- it's a horrible name. But what about Captain Milheiser? Colonel Deutsch? Any of these names ringing a bell Fritz?"

"Uh General," Trapper said hesitantly as he eased up behind Hogan, "I think maybe you hit your head on you way down the latrine. Maybe you should come with us."

"Yeah, we won't hurt you. We'll just put you away in a nice, comfy, padded room for a while," Hawkeye added.

"You think I'm crazy, but I'm not!" Hogan said, backing away from the captains. "It's just that now, now I'm onto whatever little game Hochstetter's is playing. But!" Hogan suddenly whirled around to face the Australian. "If Hochstetter is behind it, it wouldn't explain you- you're British."

"I'm Australian!"

"How's the busted flipper?" Hogan pressed. He wasn't fooled. He knew a British commando when he saw one.

"He's completely daft."

"Oh, I'm onto your little plot," Hogan said with a small giggle as he backed away from them. "Radar, place an MP on these two and then round up the rest of 'em!"

With wide eyes, Radar looked from Hogan to Hawkeye. Hawkeye gave him a small wink and the corporal dashed off.

"So, general, these two are really Germans?" Hawkeye began, deciding to play along with Hogan's delusion until Radar came back with the MP.

"No, _he's_ a German," Hogan replied petulantly, pointing to Griswald. "He's a British Commando."

"Ugly John's a commando?" Trapper repeated. At the General's firm nod, Trapper inspected him carefully. "Oh yeah. And all this time masquerading as an anaesthesiologist- that's clever. What're you going to do with him General?"

What, was this guy crazy? "Nothing. Didn't you hear me? He's British- an ally. Although I do want to know why he's part of this scheme."

"Don't vorry; ve haf vays of making him talk," Hawkeye said as he circled Ugly John, pretending to slap a pair of gloves into his palm.

Hogan narrowed his eyes. The captain was being awfully co-operative. That meant he was up to something. Hogan would bet his bottom dollar that he was going to turn the MP on him. Well, that wasn't going to happen. Hogan was getting out of there.

Without warning, Hogan turned and bolted away.

"Hey, General!" Trapper hollered before racing after him.

Hogan ignored him and pushed on. His jeep was only fifty feet away. He'd get the heck out of dodge, regroup and then come back for Kinch and Carter before they could do anything to him.

The sound of a sputtering engine overhead and a voice on the PA didn't deter him.

"And here he is folks, for the third consecutive week, your favorite North Korean and mine- Five O'Clock Charlie! Will he hit his target this time? Your bet is as good as mine! Speaking of which, the betting book is now closed!"

Twenty feet, fifteen feet.

Hogan was almost there when the sound of a whistling bomb filled the air. Hogan was only ten feet away when, in a flash of light and a deafening explosion, his chance of escape was demolished by a renegade's bomb.

Hogan stopped in his tracks and let out a tiny whimper. Hope was gone. He was stuck here. Unless…

Dodging Trapper, who had managed to catch up to him, Hogan turned and raced towards the camp's motor pool. This outfit had to have more than one jeep he could commandeer.

Or not.

Hogan's hopes sank quite low as he reached his destination. There were only three jeeps. One had no tires, another was in pieces. A sleeping sergeant was in the last one.

"Sergeant! Get up! Hogan shouted, thumping on the hood of the jeep. "I need this jeep, now!"

"Wha?" The sergeant roused himself, and looked around. He Didn't see much though, as his cap was pushed down over his face. "What's going on? Who turned out the lights? Did I miss Charlie?!" the sergeant cried in a thick Brooklyn accent.

"You're either getting out of the jeep, or coming with me. The lights aren't out, you're hat's in your face. And yes, you did miss Charlie. Sorry, better luck next time."

"Wha? Oh yeah. Heh, I must've fallen asleep," the sergeant chuckled as he pushed his hat up and turned to face Hogan.

Hogan stopped dead in his tracks. "General Sharp?"

"Where?" the sergeant cried, a little panicked. "Oh, you? You're a general? Oh, yeah!" The sergeant quickly saluted. "Sergeant Zale, sir! I wasn't really asleep, I was sort of just thinking about how I was going to put that jeep back together."

Hogan was about an inch away from turning into a blubbering mass of jelly.

Luckily, before he could break down, the sound of chopper blade's filled the air. Hogan whirled around and looked up to see a helicopter coming in to land on a ridge just outside of camp.

Adrenaline pumped through his veins as he rushed towards his newfound salvation. He would fly out of here. He was free!

"Hey! Hey!" Hogan shouted as he raced up the stairs leading to the landing pad. "Get that chopper back up in the air, quick! I'll jump in."

The pilot, who was already climbing out of his machine, stopped and arched his eyebrow in confusion and amusement as he watched the filthy, smelly general run up to him. "Howdy General. What's going on?"

"I have to get outta here!" Hogan cried as he dove into the other side of the plane.

"Yeah, lots of people say that about this place," the pilot laughed as he climbed back in. "Smilin' Jack at your service General. Where to?"

"General Hogan, and I don't ca-" Hogan's sentenced died in the tiniest of whimpers as he turned to shake his savior's hand. "Braden?"

"Who?" Jack yelled back as he started his chopper's blades up.

"You're, you're Braden! You're that crazy sergeant who brought all those guys to Stalag 13 and-"

"Sorry sir, I can't hear you! We're going up!"

Oh no he wasn't!

They were already off the ground when Hogan bailed. He landed with a jarring thud and everything turned black.

* * *

Hogan woke with a start. He half expected to find himself in a Gestapo cell but instead, was lying in a hospital bed. Letting out a sigh of relief, Hogan flopped back into his pillows.

"What a crazy, crazy dream," Hogan said, bringing his hand up to his forehead. Except, it didn't quite make it there.

Shaking his head in confusion, Hogan looked to see a pair of handcuffs chaining him to the bed. "What the?"

"Sorry general, just a precaution," a cheerful voice said. Hogan let out a tiny groan as captains Pierce and McIntyre strolled up to his bedside. "We don't want you running off all by yourself."

Hogan groaned. "Where's Kinch?"

"Right here," Kinch said, poking his head out from behind the two doctors.

"What happened?" Hogan asked.

Kinch sucked in a breath and sat on the bed next to Hogan. "Well, you kind of went crazy for a while there. Jumped out of a chopper and everything."

"But the pilot! It was Braden!"

"His name was Lieutenant Jack Mitchell. He's a pilot. He was never a POW- never even been to Germany."

"Yeah, but-" Hogan started but ended by blowing a raspberry in frustration.

Kinch rubbed the back of his neck. "We've got a guy coming in to see you. A Major Sidney Freedman."

Hogan grimaced, "Yeah, I've heard of him- a psychiatrist right? But I'm _not_ crazy! All those people! They look just like people I've met before! _You_ saw it too!"

"Yeah, I did," Kinch confessed. "A few similarities."

"Similarities my eye! They were the same people!" Hogan glared at Kinch until the latter shrugged helplessly. "And you're okay with this?"

"I took my own advice and I keep telling myself that they're just coincidences."

"I told myself that too," Hogan muttered as he leaned back and pouted. "So, anything broken in the fall."

"Nope. As soon as Sidney gives you the go ahead, you'll be free to go and search for your impersonators elsewhere," Hawkeye stated.

"You know, I was quite sane before I got here."

"You're not the only one," Hawkeye said with a crooked smile.

"Um, sirs," Radar said, coming up behind the group. "Hawkeye, Trapper, a package just arrived for you. It's in your tent."

Trapper and Hawkeye exchanged curious glances and shrugged. "Well, if you don't need anything general, I guess we'll be moseying along."

Hogan shrugged and the two of them were off. "You know Kinch, it doesn't seem fair that _I'm_ the one chained to the bed."

Kinch grinned and patted him on the shoulder. "Don't sweat it. You'll be fine."

"These look-alikes really haven't bothered you?"

Kinch shrugged. "Guess not."

With a grunt, Hogan tugged on his chain. "I don't suppose you could swing it so we could go for a walk or something."

Kinch tilted his head to the side and studied his friend. He looked calm. A maybe a walk would do him good. They'd just have to be careful to steer clear of any and all familiar faces.

Despite the fact that the last time he thought that, things hadn't turned out so well, Kinch took out a key and unlocked the cuff. "A little fresh air could do you some good."

"Thanks," Hogan smiled gratefully as he rubbed his wrist.

"Come on," Kinch said as he helped Hogan up. "A quick walk before the major gets here."

Hogan stretched and followed Kinch to the door, which suddenly opened, hitting them both.

"I say, sorry there chaps!" a voice said from the other side.

Hogan and Kinch looked at each other with wide eyes. "It couldn't be? Could it?" Hogan pleaded.

Kinch swallowed hard. "Just- just a coincidence."

"Right…"

"I say there, are you all right?"

Hogan and Kinch winced. Slowly, they turned to see a British officer step into the room a riding crop tucked tightly under his arm.

Hogan couldn't help it- he started to blubber. Even Kinch paled. "Coincidence?" Hogan sniffled.

"Crittendon?" Kinch asked, feeling his sanity sink to Hogan's level. A world with two Crittendons? It couldn't be! It was impossible! What sort of cruel, twisted power would put two Crittendons on the earth at the same time!

"Crittendon? 'Fraid not old man. Name's Ross. I'm just here to visit my men."

"Uh, right," Kinch said, backing away. "Rob, I think it's time we go." Hogan just nodded in agreement, relieved Kinch was finally seeing the light. Turning, Kinch nudged Hogan forward, quickly distancing himself from Crittendon.

"Wait, wait, we can't leave without Carter," Hogan said, glancing behind him to make sure Crittendon wasn't following them.

"Right. Come on Carter, let's go!" Kinch said, rushing up to Carter's bedside and shaking the Lieutenant awake.

"Wha? What's going on colonel?"

"Come on Carter, we're going!" Hogan explained as he frantically searched for a wheelchair.

"Never mind," Kinch said, not wanting to waste anymore time. "You're going for a ride Carter." And with that, Kinch grabbed Carter and gently, but quickly, slung the injured man over his shoulder. "Let's get a jeep and get on out of here!"

Hogan didn't waste anytime arguing and bolted for the door opposite Crittendon- or Ross, as he claimed to be. Bursting through the doors, Hogan ran into the compound and straight into two hairy gorillas.

"General?" one of the gorillas, who sounded suspiciously like Captain McIntyre, asked in surprise. Hogan just shook his head and pushed them away, clearing room for Kinch and Carter.

"Hey, wait a minute!" the other gorilla yelled as Hogan and his men ran off.

"Quick, into that jeep!" Hogan ordered, pointing to a jeep parked right outside the CO's office. In a stroke of luck, the jeep even had two stars on it. Climbing into the driver's seat, Hogan barely waited for Kinch and Carter to get in before starting the engine. As the tires squealed, Hogan sped off, just as the office doors opened, revealing a very bewildered Colonel Blake and another General.

"That's my jeep!" the general cried.

"Yeah, I thought so too…" Blake said as he watched the jeep drive off. "Mighty nice of you to lend it to the general, General Kelly."

In the jeep, Hogan was letting out a sigh of relief. "Hey, sir," Carter said, as he watched the camp disappear, "I think you stole that general's jeep."

"Borrowed it… without any intention of returning it. There's a difference Carter," Hogan explained quickly. Great, that was the last thing he needed- another general mad at him.

"You know," Carter said, scratching his chin, "that general almost looked like General Biedenbender. You remember, when we-"

"Never mind Carter!"

THE END


End file.
